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Thursday, September 4, 2025

The Civil War of Nikki: A Story in Chapters

The following is a novel version of this previously posted blog. 

Chapter 1: The Weight of the Kensington Sky


The Kensington sky was a bruised canvas, mirroring the ache in Nikki’s bones. Every tremor in her hands was a Confederate drumbeat, announcing another siege. Her name, Nikki, felt like a forgotten word, eclipsed by the guttural chant of "dope sick." She stood on a corner, the phantom chill of withdrawal already creeping, even though the sun hadn’t yet fully surrendered to the horizon. Her medicine was miles away, in a glassine baggie held by a ghost, and the path to it was paved with currency she didn't possess. This was the battlefield of her mind. A civil war raged between two opposing forces: one part, a faint, flickering Union flag, screamed for sobriety, health, and dignity; the other, a powerful, insidious craving, was a relentless Confederate force that had seized the strategic high ground of her will. It commanded her every thought, every agonizing tremor, and whispered one lie louder than the rest: surrender is your only option.


Chapter 2: The Outsider's Cadillac


A black Cadillac, sleek and utterly out of place, purred to a stop beside her. The window hummed down, revealing a face she recognized—a man in a suit she’d seen on this corner before. He had eyes that held neither judgment nor compassion, only cold calculation. The money he carried was a small, personal part of the vast economy of suffering. It wasn't the billions flowing into the hands of the drug lords, but it was the essential lifeblood of the street-level drug trade—the devastatingly personal portion that accounts for the tragic, daily existence of people like Nikki. "Hey, Nikki," he said, his voice smooth, unaffected by the grim reality surrounding them. "Need a ride?" A wave of nausea hit her, a fresh assault from her body's civil war. Her legs felt like water, her head throbbed. The desperate voice of the addiction screamed louder than the faint whispers of self-preservation. Just enough for medicine. Just enough to make the shaking stop.


Chapter 3: The Center City Hotel


The hotel room was sterile and silent, a stark contrast to the chaotic battlefield of her mind. The transaction was swift and businesslike, the price of her shame. Nikki’s mind went somewhere else, floating above the scene as if watching a movie about someone else’s humiliation. This was the war room of her enemy. They were using her body, her desperation, to gain a strategic advantage. The man, whom she thought of only as a "Confederate soldier," had his way with her, his movements clinical, devoid of emotion. He was simply collecting his spoils. Her mind replayed a line of a Psalm she’d once known, a relic from a past life: “My tears have been my food day and night” (Psalm 42:3). That was her meal now—shame and humiliation, a feast for the broken spirit.


Chapter 4: The Currency of Shame


He left without another word, leaving a small wad of money on the nightstand. It was her bus fare and her medicine money. The shame was a physical weight, heavier than the money in her hand. It was a corrosive acid, eating away at her soul. Back on the street, she clutched the money, not just as currency for a drug, but as a receipt for her surrender. The tears came then, hot and stinging, for the dignity she had lost. The Bible speaks of a deep-seated brokenness, something that resonates with the shame she felt. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23 NIV). This wasn't just about her. It was about him, too. The man in the suit, a fellow human, whose own brokenness led him to exploit her. The money was a testament to their shared affliction, a currency of sin flowing between two broken souls.


Chapter 5: The False Victory


Back in Kensington, Nikki found her dealer, Ghost. His name was fitting; he was a wraith, a specter of addiction who only appeared when summoned by desperation. She gave him the money, received the baggie, and went to a dark alley. The needle was her tool of temporary peace. The warmth that surged through her veins was the Union's defeat. The tremors stopped, the nausea subsided. She had “won” this skirmish. She could breathe again. This moment of relief, however, was a false victory, like a brief ceasefire in an ongoing war. She had gained a moment of peace, but the enemy had gained ground. She had used her last ammunition—her dignity—just to stave off the imminent, sickening collapse, leaving her defenses weaker than ever.


Chapter 6: A Hand on the Battlefield


Days later, her defenses were again in a state of depletion. She was in a park when a man sat down on a bench nearby. He was a volunteer, a man named Chris, who spoke to the men and women on the street. He looked at her not with pity, but with a quiet understanding. He spoke to her of a different kind of war, an internal one, and compared it to the fight at Little Round Top. He spoke of Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain’s desperate courage when his men ran out of ammunition. He said the bayonet charge was not about winning, but about refusing to lose. For the first time, someone had put a name to her struggle. This was the first true reinforcement the Union side of her mind had received in a long time. It was a moment of grace, an unearned kindness that reminded her there was still a part of her worth fighting for.


Chapter 7: The Final Siege


The words of Chris gave her a few days of strength, but the "Confederate" side of her mind was clever. It launched its final, full-scale assault. It taunted her with memories of her past, of the people she’d disappointed, of the shame that had become her constant companion. It whispered that Chris’s words were a lie, that freedom was impossible. “For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (Romans 7:15 NIV). This biblical description of an internal battle was her reality. She was a soldier exhausted, out of ammunition, and facing an enemy that knew her every weakness. The battle for her mind was a microcosm of Little Round Top, a fight for the high ground of her soul. She felt like she was on the verge of a total, final rout.


Chapter 8: The Bayonet Charge


The moment came in a filthy alley, the familiar needle in her hand. The Confederate force within her mind told her to plunge it in and surrender. But the image of Chris’s eyes—the quiet compassion, the genuine hope—flashed in her mind. It was a memory of an honest-to-God ally. It was a single bullet of hope in an empty rifle. She looked at the needle, and in a moment of pure, desperate will, she snapped it in half. It was her bayonet charge. It wasn’t a victory; it was a desperate, courageous act of defiance. A refusal to surrender. She stumbled out of the alley, leaving the broken needle behind, and walked toward the light. She had no ammunition, no plan, just a deep, primal need to live.


Chapter 9: The Long March of Recovery


The first weeks of detox were brutal. The physical pain was a Confederate retreat, but the psychological pain was an ambush. She learned that addiction wasn’t a moral failing, but a chronic brain disease. As Dr. Nora Volkow describes, her prefrontal cortex, the part of her brain responsible for decision-making, had been held hostage. The treatment center was her field hospital. The counselors were her strategic advisors, helping her understand the tactics of her enemy. They used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Motivational Interviewing (MI) to help her rebuild her mental fortifications. The shame was a constant companion, but for the first time, she was given the tools to face it.


Chapter 10: The War Is Not Over


Nikki stands now on a small hill in a park, far from Kensington. She is not yet healed, but she has allies. She has learned that the war is not over, but the tide has turned. The enemy is still out there, but their stronghold is no longer within her. Her victory was not in being free of the battle, but in the choice to fight. Her story, she knows, is not just about a woman's struggle, but about a universal human experience. It is a story of a civil war waged on the high ground of the human heart, and it is a testament to the powerful truth that every person, no matter their circumstances, has a fighting chance. She is not a casualty of war. She is a survivor, a veteran of her own personal Gettysburg, with a story to tell.


The Battle for the Mind: Addiction as a Civil War at Little Round Top

(Video: The Civil War of Addiction - Gettysburg Analogies)

[Link to Chris's video: https://youtu.be/_yWP7vTXqEs]

Standing here at the base of Little Round Top in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, a place etched forever in American history for its brutal and pivotal Civil War battle, I can’t help but see profound parallels to the ongoing, internal civil war waged within the mind of a person struggling with addiction, particularly with illicit drug use from places like the streets of Kensington.

Just as this ground was once a strategic high point, fiercely contested by Union and Confederate forces, the mind of an addicted individual becomes a battleground. There’s a constant struggle between two opposing forces: one part yearning for sobriety, health, and dignity (the "Union" within), and the other, a powerful, insidious craving driven by the drug (the "Confederate" force).

The Front Lines of the Mind

In the video, I explain how the "civil war of the mind" for the addicted person plays out daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute. It’s not just a metaphorical battle; it’s a tangible, physiological and psychological conflict. The brain, particularly the prefrontal cortex responsible for decision-making and impulse control, is under siege. The reward pathways, hijacked by the drug, become the enemy's stronghold, constantly demanding supplies.

At Little Round Top, the Union forces under Colonel Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain famously held their ground against repeated Confederate assaults, eventually resorting to a desperate but ultimately successful bayonet charge when ammunition ran out. This speaks volumes to the sheer tenacity and desperate measures required to maintain control. For the addicted person, every day is a fight to hold their ground, to resist the overwhelming urges. They often feel like they're running out of ammunition – their willpower, their hope, their physical strength.

The Strategy of the Enemy

The "Confederate" forces of addiction are cunning. They exploit weaknesses, wear down defenses, and launch relentless attacks. They whisper lies of immediate relief, convincing the individual that "just one more time" will solve everything, when in reality, it only reinforces the enemy's control.

Just as the Confederates sought to break the Union lines to gain strategic advantage, addiction aims to break the spirit and resolve of the individual, isolating them and making them believe surrender is their only option. The battle for Little Round Top was about controlling the high ground, and for the addicted person, the "high ground" is clarity of thought, self-control, and the ability to make choices free from chemical compulsion.

The Cost of the War

The human cost of the Battle of Gettysburg was staggering, and the casualties of the internal civil war of addiction are equally devastating. Lives are lost, relationships are destroyed, hope is eroded, and the very essence of a person can seem to disappear. The constant fight leaves deep scars, even for those who eventually win their battle for sobriety.


Judeo-Christian Commentary: Finding Strength in the Divine Union

The Judeo-Christian perspective offers profound insights and resources for understanding and navigating this internal civil war.

1. The Divided Self and the Spirit's Battle

The Apostle Paul, in Romans 7, eloquently describes a similar internal conflict, though not specifically about addiction, that resonates with the struggle I discuss. He speaks of a law in his members warring against the law of his mind.

“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate… For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.” - Romans 7:15, 18b-19 (NIV)

This passage perfectly captures the agonizing dilemma of the addicted person: the knowledge of what is right, the desire for it, yet the inability to consistently enact it due to an overwhelming internal force. From a Christian perspective, this "Union" force within seeks alignment with God's will, while the "Confederate" force represents the pull of sin, fleshly desires, and brokenness. The Holy Spirit, however, offers power to strengthen the "Union" forces.

2. The Battlefield of the Heart

The Bible often speaks of the heart and mind as the seat of our decisions and desires. Proverbs wisely advises:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” - Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

In the context of addiction, this guarding of the heart becomes a daily, spiritual battle. It's about protecting the core of one's being from the relentless assaults of craving and temptation. Prayer, meditation on scripture, and community support become the fortifications and reinforcements needed to hold the line.

3. Hope in the Ultimate Victory

Just as the Union eventually triumphed at Gettysburg, the Judeo-Christian faith offers ultimate hope for victory over the "Confederate" forces of addiction. It emphasizes that this battle is not fought alone. God provides strength, healing, and a path to freedom.

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” - Philippians 4:13 (NIV)

This verse serves as a powerful reminder that even in the most desperate internal battles, there is a source of divine strength available to those who seek it. It transforms the solitary struggle into a partnership with God, offering a hope that addiction, though powerful, does not have the final say.


Professional Insights: The Neurological Battlefield and Holistic Recovery

From a professional standpoint in substance use disorder (SUD) treatment, the "civil war of the mind" is well-understood, though perhaps not always articulated in such a vivid metaphor.

1. Neurobiology of Addiction: The "Confederate" forces are deeply entrenched in the brain's reward system. Chronic drug use fundamentally alters brain chemistry, re-wiring pathways to prioritize drug-seeking behavior above all else. This isn't a moral failing; it's a disease that affects brain function. Dr. Nora Volkow, Director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), extensively discusses how addiction is a chronic brain disease characterized by compulsive drug seeking and use despite harmful consequences (Volkow, N. D. (2004). Brain imaging in addiction: an overview. Addiction, 99(11), 1361-1365). The individual's "Union" (their rational self, their desire for health) is indeed under siege by these powerful neurological changes.

2. Psychological Warfare: The "Confederate" side also employs psychological tactics: denial, rationalization, and the constant internal monologue that justifies continued use. Therapy, particularly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Motivational Interviewing (MI), are akin to strategic counter-offensives, helping individuals identify these thought patterns and develop coping mechanisms to resist them.

3. The Importance of Reinforcements: Just as a battle requires reinforcements, effective SUD treatment relies on a multi-pronged approach. This includes:

* Medication-Assisted Treatment (MAT): Can be seen as providing essential "ammunition" to the Union forces, mitigating cravings and withdrawal symptoms to allow the individual to gain ground.

* Therapy & Counseling: Equips the individual with "battle plans" and coping strategies.

* Social Support (Community): Provides "allies" and a sense of belonging, countering the isolation that strengthens the "Confederate" forces. This is where spiritual communities and support groups like NA/AA are invaluable.

* Trauma-Informed Care: Acknowledges that past traumas often fuel the addiction, much like a constant internal wound that weakens the "Union" defenses. Addressing this trauma is crucial for long-term victory.


Little Round Top: A Microcosm of the Mind's Battle

The Battle of Little Round Top itself offers striking parallels to the addiction struggle:

  • Holding the High Ground: The Union's desperate defense of Little Round Top was about maintaining a strategic advantage. For the addicted person, "holding the high ground" means maintaining moments of clarity, choice, and self-control against the overwhelming urge to relapse. Each day they resist is a day they hold their ground.

  • Running Out of Ammunition: Colonel Chamberlain's men famously ran out of bullets. In addiction, this mirrors the exhaustion, the depletion of willpower, and the feeling of having no more resources to fight. The desperate bayonet charge—an act of sheer, raw determination—can be likened to those moments when an individual reaches rock bottom and, out of pure survival instinct, makes a profound choice to fight for their life.

  • The Desperate Counterattack: Chamberlain’s bayonet charge was unexpected and turned the tide. For someone in Kensington, this could be the moment they seek help, reach out to an outreach worker, or commit to treatment—a desperate, courageous act when all traditional resources seem to have failed. It's a sudden, decisive shift in strategy that can change the entire course of their internal war.

  • The Continual Threat: Even after the battle for Little Round Top was won, the war continued. Similarly, achieving sobriety is a victory, but the "war" of recovery often continues for a lifetime, requiring vigilance, ongoing support, and renewed commitment to maintain the "Union" stronghold.

The struggle at Little Round Top serves as a powerful historical metaphor for the relentless, brutal, but ultimately winnable, civil war waged within the mind of an addicted person. It reminds us that victory, though hard-won, is possible with courage, strategy, and crucial support.



The Financial Roots of Addiction: A Look at the Kensington Drug Trade

In a video lasting just over 8 minutes, Chris presents a compelling and often overlooked perspective on the drug crisis in Kensington, Philadelphia. He moves beyond the visible human suffering to a detailed financial analysis of the drug trade. His goal is to shift the focus from the individuals struggling with addiction to the systemic forces at play, revealing a shocking truth about who truly profits.

Chris begins by sharing his calculation that the total income for drug dealers in Kensington is an estimated $1 billion annually. He then breaks down the spending habits of the approximately 2,000 homeless individuals in the area, estimating they spend around $150 per day on drugs. This amounts to $109.5 million per year, which, as Chris points out, is only 10.95% of the total drug money.

This leads Chris to a crucial and sobering conclusion: the vast majority of the money—the remaining 89.05%—comes from outside Kensington. He estimates this is generated through a staggering 4,879 transactions per day, with an average of $500 per transaction, revealing that the homeless population is not the primary source of income for the dealers.

Chris also sheds light on the tragic reality of prostitution as a means of survival. He explains that 90% of the women and 70% of the men in the homeless population rely on the women’s prostitution for their drug money, making it the source of $87.6 million of the money from the homeless population annually. He then offers a powerful call to action, suggesting that to address this exploitation, we must focus our efforts on the demand side—the men who solicit these women. He notes that these individuals, having more to lose socially, may be more susceptible to a change in their behavior.

Chris's full analysis is available in his YouTube video: Kensington Drug Trade Financial Analysis


Judeo-Christian Commentary & Biblical References


Chris's analysis resonates deeply with Judeo-Christian principles of justice, mercy, and responsibility. His work, while data-driven, carries a prophetic weight, challenging the community to look beyond a surface-level diagnosis of the problem and address the deep-rooted evils that are fueling it.

1. The Pursuit of Justice and Mercy

The prophets of the Old Testament were tireless advocates for the poor and oppressed, just as Chris’s work advocates for the men and women of Kensington. They called out societal sins that enabled the exploitation of the vulnerable.

“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” - Micah 6:8 (NIV)

This verse from Micah is a powerful summary of Chris’s message. His call to focus on the men who solicit prostitution is an example of acting justly, seeking to dismantle a system of exploitation rather than simply condemning its victims. It also embodies the act of loving mercy, as it shows compassion for the women who are trapped in a cycle of desperation.

2. The Corrupting Power of Greed

By highlighting the financial structure of the Kensington drug trade, Chris reveals the "root of all kinds of evil" that the Bible speaks of. The immense profits from the trade are not a result of a broken system but rather the very engine that drives and sustains the suffering.

“For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” - 1 Timothy 6:10 (NIV)

This verse from the New Testament applies not just to the drug dealers but to everyone who profits from this trade, including the men who pay for sex. Chris’s analysis shows how the desire for money leads individuals to participate in a system that brings profound grief to others and, ultimately, to themselves.

3. The Shared Brokenness of Humanity

The Judeo-Christian tradition teaches that all people are broken and in need of healing and redemption. Chris's approach implicitly understands this. He doesn't view the individuals in Kensington as an "other" but as fellow human beings, trapped in a cycle of sin and suffering, both as victims and perpetrators.

“But do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.” - Hebrews 13:16 (NIV)

This verse calls us to actively do good for others, a principle at the heart of Chris's video. By asking us to change our perspective on the problem, he is encouraging us to engage in the kind of sacrificial love that pleases God. It is a call for a unified community response that addresses the needs of all those affected by the crisis.


Scholarly and Clinical References


Chris’s work aligns with modern public health and addiction research that emphasizes a systemic, rather than purely individual, approach to drug addiction.

  • Social Determinants of Health: The World Health Organization (WHO) defines these as the non-medical factors that influence health outcomes. Chris's analysis of the financial underpinnings of the drug trade is a perfect example of a social determinant. His work demonstrates how poverty, lack of opportunity, and a predatory economic system directly contribute to and perpetuate the crisis in Kensington.

  • Trauma-Informed Care: Many clinical approaches to addiction, such as those discussed by organizations like the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), emphasize understanding the role of trauma. The experiences of the women Chris discusses—relying on prostitution for survival—are deeply traumatic. Their addiction is not just a physiological dependence but a desperate attempt to cope with unbearable psychological and emotional pain. This perspective is vital for providing effective and compassionate care.


Video analyzing the financial flow of the Kensington drug trade

This video is relevant as it provides a financial analysis of the drug trade in Kensington, which is the subject of the blog post.


I Need My Medicine (Revisiting one of my original and most popular blogs)

"How are you?" is a typical, and often sterile, question we ask each other every day. It's become almost meaningless. Do we really care how the other person is?

I'm as guilty of it as anyone. When I first started getting to know the men and women living under a bridge in Kensington, I would say, "Hi, (first name), how are you today?" The most common answer I got was something like, "Not well. I'm sick. I need my medicine." And this is where my lack of understanding, because I've never been addicted myself, was a harsh reality.

I'd look at each person and ask what kind of cold they had—chest, head, allergies? With the politeness I've found in almost every person in this community, they would respond, "No. I'm dope sick and need my medicine." I still didn't truly understand what they meant until a couple of days ago when a community member explained it through words and example.

I sat down on the sidewalk with a person who was feeling dope sick. He told me it had been far too long since his last heroin injection. Dope sickness can manifest differently in different people. His was like allergies escalating into a full-blown flu. In the few minutes we sat together, I watched his symptoms progress from mild sniffles and watering eyes to a headache and nausea. He apologized in advance for a possible accident in his pants. "I'll be better as soon as I get my medicine."

He excused himself to go get his medicine. I saw him again not even half an hour later, and he was completely healed. All symptoms were gone.

"All I needed was my medicine."

I finally got it. At least to a small degree, I finally understood the desperate need of a person trapped in addiction—to "need their medicine" simply to keep from becoming outrageously physically sick.


“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy makes the bones rot.” - Proverbs 14:30 (NIV)

This is the very essence of a sickness of the soul, a spiritual and emotional rot that manifests itself in a physical need. When the soul is in turmoil, the body follows.


What's missing from the above description?

Nowhere did I mention getting high from their drug use. I sat down with another person on the opposite sidewalk as he prepared four or five packets of heroin for a single injection. As he worked with the skill of a seasoned R.N. preparing a shot for a hospital patient, he looked at me and said, "Chris, I've built up such an immunity that I don't get high anymore. I continue to do this just to keep from getting sick."

"I need my medicine."

For some, but not all, of the women in this community, their bodies are the source of income for their medicine. One woman told me that to keep from getting sick, she will stand on a street corner or walk along Kensington Avenue for hours as the dope sickness sets in, until some 'man' makes an offer.

"One was an important lawyer who picked me up in his Cadillac, took me to a hotel in Center City, tied me to the bed, had his way with me, got dressed, untied me, and left the room. I had to use some of the money he gave me for public transit just to get back here to buy my medicine."

With tears streaming down both our faces, I asked, "Why do you do this?"

"I need my medicine."


Chapter 2: The Compass of Shame


The phrase "I need my medicine" was a gut-punch of a lesson. It stripped away my last naïve assumptions, replacing them with a stark reality: addiction, in this context, wasn't a choice. It was a desperate, constant act of survival. But as I continued to sit under that bridge and on those sidewalks, I began to learn about another kind of sickness—one that couldn't be healed by a syringe or a pill.

I started to notice a deeper pattern in the stories, a theme that ran beyond the physical pain of withdrawal: the crushing weight of shame.

I saw it in the way people avoided eye contact, even when telling me their deepest truths. I saw it in the man who, after preparing his shot with surgical precision, lowered his head as he confessed, "I don't get high anymore." That line wasn't just about his tolerance; it was an apology, a defense against the judgment he expected from me. He was telling me, "I'm not doing this for pleasure, so please don't think less of me."


“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” - Romans 3:23 (NIV)

We are all in need of healing, and we are all broken in our own way. In a world with a high degree of brokenness, we are all alike in that we are all broken, each of us. We are all alike in that we all need to be healed. This is what Jesus meant when he said he was sent to heal the brokenhearted. Brokenness is a great unifier of all humanity, if we would only look at it that way. In brokenness, we are all alike.


I heard it in the woman's story, her tears a testament not just to the pain of her situation but to the self-humiliation of it. The lawyer's Cadillac symbolized a world she had once known, and the hotel room wasn't just a place of danger; it was a stage for a violation that stripped her of her dignity, leaving her with just enough change for a bus ride back to a reality filled with shame. When she told me, "I need my medicine," it was a physical necessity, but the tears in her eyes spoke to the deeper emotional wound that her medicine could never heal.

Shame is a compass that points inward, convincing you that you are fundamentally flawed, worthless, and undeserving of help. It’s the voice that whispers, "You are a bad person." And for so many in that community, it was shame that kept them from reaching out for help even when it was offered. It was shame that made them believe they weren't worthy of a bed, an ID, or a second chance. It was shame that told them the judgment they saw in my eyes was real, even when my heart ached with empathy.


“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” - Micah 6:8 (NIV)

This is what it means to be human: to love mercy. To be merciful, we must have empathy for another’s lot in life. This is the very essence of the life of a Christ-follower.


And so, as I continued to ask, "How are you?" I learned to listen for a different answer. I learned to look past the physical symptoms of dope sickness and see the deeper pain of a heart and soul in turmoil. I realized that to truly help, the first dose of medicine had to be a powerful and unconditional counterpoint to the shame—a simple, loving affirmation that their life matters, no matter what.